Bimoo

912505

Mo.

@heathsmog #912505

Music. Poetry. (direct.me/heath_smog)

5 Follower 9 Following

Sleep hasn’t been kind enough to hold me yet
In a long fight I yearn to forget
I lay awake, drying eyes
My biggest, most fatal vice
Are we nothing but better versions of worse people?
Are we to grow older, better, but more feeble
At morale
And yearn worse selves?
These delves
Are sickening bright
I lay awake most nights
Yearning a feeling from when I was someone I am no longer
But I cannot be someone who was with the wisdom of today
Oh what wreck, today
Take me away
Take me away
Bludgeon my head
Sodder my eyes
Every passing minute
I boil my insides
Hold me tonight
Oh sleep, hold me tonight
Before tomorrow.

Maria Turbida (Turbulent Seas)
(From “Vita”)

We’re both fucked up equally
Searching for the same things
To keep us afloat
While this boat
Is sinking
You hold the mast & I row
We both reap what we sow
But with all this water
Nothing grows

We’re both fighting
And there’s lightning
To calm the sea
And the camaraderie
Of sinking
Is holding us afloat
And the water
From beneath
Is holding us close

We’re both fucked up equally
Searching for the same things underneath
The clouds
And sheets
We both reap what we sow
But with all this water
Nothing grows
At sea

Solitaire
(From “Borderlines”)

And only when
Was I faced with my best and worst, did I see
There was not one whom I felt comfortable
Would stand by me

Not for fault of them, their own;
Even the gentlest of waters can weather stone
But till time when comes the day it breaks
I must bear lone the weight of mistakes

And like the waters that carve the stone
People come; to ebb and flow
Leave their mark, and so they pass
Till all that remains, is stone at last.

Running blind
(From “I’m addicted to sadness (the normal amount))

Everyone is getting ahead
From Berkeley to UCLA
Everyone is happy with friends
While I wonder alone most days

This could be the last chance
Can’t we let it lie
This could be the last chance
Do we have to ask why?

Everyone’s moving in directions
Different from mine
Everyone’s turning reflections
To call out at night

This could be the last chance
Can’t we let it lie
Trying to find home
Running blind

I used to call you
(From “I’m addicted to sadness (the normal amount))

If only there can be another day to dance
I thought you hate the stench of the club
Yet here you are
You’re not the same
Except the name
I used to call you

If only there can be another future
Where you stayed up late
Not that you don’t anymore
Just never with me
But now I see
You’re up till 2:30
How did you change so soon?

Eventually
I wish I could turn back into a stranger
Watching you do the things you never would
Puts me in danger
In my room
Cause you’re not the same
Except the name
I used to call you

Kid
(From “R E C A P”)

Lament
She tells me she doesn’t trust me
Out of regret
For lost time
Fate is a crime
Pondering conversations said in sleep
This doesn’t run as deep;
I’m still the kid that loves “Creep”
Staying up to fight his sleep
Cause that’s what I did since 17
Still loves Transformers
Or the Big Bang Theory
The wonders of a boy
Buried beneath
College and drop outs
And I have my bouts
That cut deep
Like the scars I gave myself
When I couldn’t fall asleep
That have faded since
And that’s okay
Half of life is not knowing which way
It’ll go
But I know
It’ll be okay

Sweet _______ o’ mine
(From “R E C A P”)

Hey you
You’ve grown a lot over the past 2 years
You’re all I’ve known as a home; c’mere
But you don’t like hugs that much now, do you?

Hey you
You’re reading books faster that I can buy them
You’ve grown so fast since the days back when
You asked me “How to jump?” playing Eve

There maybe just some rough times
And the mistakes you make are just some crimes
Of childhood

But I love you, more than maybe
Growing up can be so scary
But I promise you, it’ll be alright

Hey, I turned out fine

Sweet _______ o’ mine
It’ll be alright

The internet was a mistake
(From “R E C A P”)

Have you seen what they’re saying on TV?
Have you read what they’re screaming to see?
Everyone’s having an opinion these days
Everyone’s screaming at your face

Have you heard what they have to say?
They don’t shut up bout it any day
Everyone’s out to get someone
Save us from them, they say

Kanye & Palestine
Drugs & Morphine
There’s something crazy
Every week, every day
China & the vaccine
Have barely lost their sheen
And now there’s a new virus
Every week, every day

Can you hear them scream?
The internet was a mistake

The Booze
(From "And when my tears dry up, I hope the salt stains the snow/Even if they couldn't, let the earth know)

A strand of hair, close to two In the shape of an outline, hollow too
This... churn, in the void The feelings you can't avoid
Despite the booze
It's no use

I notice the smallest of changes & the elephants of the room
What's the use?
Life's moved.
Stuck in the past
Implanted in the present It's easy to advice help
But help is too expensive And as a friend would say
Was all this pain
Really worth becoming a better person?

A strand of hair, close to two In the shape of an outline, hollow too
This... churn, in the void The feelings you can't avoid
Outlives the booze
It's no use

Kamal & Sai

Staying up again

Insomniac
(From “Vices)

This night can't hold me
I've been awake for the first time since 2020
Why would I want to sleep
When I'm face to face with me?

For the first time the entire day, I'm free

Music & vices
Hold me for a while
I muse & reflect
In hopes I smile
Why would I sleep
When I can feel what I feel this deep?

For the first time since 2020, I can see And it's me.

Retreat
(From “Vices”)

I used to be able to speak Now I'm shut and broken
I can't tell you why;
I don't know myself

Things haven't changed
Its the same
But I'm similar only in name

The threads of friends strained
Every new pearl I meet is the same
The necklace is worn And meant for storage
I guess that's the wisdom of age Every conversation repeats itself
As I retreat more into my shell

Things haven't changed
Its the same
But I'm similar only in name
The cracks
In the walls of my shell
Are the same as the necklace:
Is this hell?

Smoke
(From “Vices”)

I've become
A figment of my imagination
My lungs
Heave in smoke for restoration
The high
Feels like a hug gone by
Never to return
To be replaced by numb
I can't love
What I've become
When I look at myself
I feel like ash:
Brittle and confused
The days go by like vapour
Lost in smoke
Brittle and confused

Lethargy
(From “Vices”)

I have this lethargy that holds me
Anything apart from work has me with no energy
But then the rat in my head tells me:

"Wake up"

It's hard to do much of anything these days
Everything's the same as everyone says
I keep going back to the same places that give me hurt
As I grow into someone else under this shirt

And this constant state of looking at a future with no rebate
Makes we want to quake with angst & rage
But the powerlessness of empitness has me glued to this bed
As I'm at war in my own head

I have this lethargy that holds me
Anything apart from work has me with no energy
It's hard to do much of anything these days
But then the rat in my head says:

"Wake up"

Video Games
(From “Vices”)

I want to make music
Like "Videotape"
But here I am instead
Lying in bed

My past's moved onto the future And I don't even have a picture While I'm growing back the gut
What the fuck

And so I play video games
But somewhere,
In the back of my head
I know
It's been years & I haven't grown
Somewhere
In the back of my head
I know
I might've fucked up going with my flow

I want to make music
Like "Videotape"
But here I am instead
Lying in bed
Awake

And so I play video games

Alcohol
(From “Vices”)

Maybe I drink because I subconsciously want to to die
It's the most socially acceptable way where people don't ask why I don't drink because I like the high
It's just an easy substitute to if I want to cry
But have forgotten how to Like they did me
My conscious knows better
But my heart can't see
Why is it, that it still hurts this way?
Why is it always the same at the end of each day
I fill a void that can't begin to fill
To push this boulder back up this hill
To give it all up to have a drink
Cause it's better sometimes, to not think

Stars
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

The day is for living
The night is for remembering

I write pages during the day
And mull over them at night
I run from post to post when the sun shines
And stop and court the stars at night
I look to them, for all I might;
Has there been more a comforting sight?
Though they look the same as yesterday
I wonder what difference do they all have to say?
The days are as lonely as the nights
But there’s comfort in the skies;
Giant, alone stars, clustered together in my eyes.

Hound of Slumber
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

On nights where I sleep
The turn of wonder
The minds speaks its ill
When seduced by slumber
Buried beneath the hatchet
Dug out
The mould and earth speak
What you wish you’d naught found out
The warmth of skin
The touch of hair
Who are you really in this bloody affair?
Run of day
Heart of night
There’s no point to fight
The hound of slumber

Reasons to Laugh
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

178 views
I’m unaware of the news
Only what I’m told
What is this hold?

Out at a restaurant
Sitting alone
“Get out of the house”
I was told

Deconstructing the evening
Till everyone’s ugly
Tell me everything
That you find funny

It’s nearly December
And I’m trying not to remember
What was told
I drink myself to death
Cause you really cant forget
Mistakes on a night this cold

I need reason to laugh
I need reason to laugh
I need something more
But mores never enough
So I scroll
Out at a restaurant
Sitting alone

Night time rituals
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

I go to sleep every night the same
My past is the present today
The food that I eat
The white lies that I repeat
All turn a little less golden
While I’m holding
My past to the present
Trying to sleep
I know I should, but I can’t weep;
It’s been forever
The mistakes of self
Are easier to fixate
Than the uncertain, B.S of fate;
I don’t remember the last time I ate
Something great,
I understand myself, and so I hate;
It’s easier than the abstract
I spend my days like my nights racked
Going through the motions
Not feeling much emotion
Maybe that’s fate:
My night time ritual to fall asleep late
Into the early morning.

I look pretty (?)
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

You tell me
I look pretty
But I can’t see
How you would be
Attracted to me

With my crooked head
And squint eyes
With my ragged breath
And eccentric replies
Shrouded in belief
Old as I
Concretised
From insecurity

How could you love my voice
And the shape of my skull?
The shape of my fingers
Worn & dull?
The texture of hair
How could you care
If I never could?

I never would

I’m a ship searching harbour afraid of land
I just need someone to hold my hand
But when I think of all the things that have been
And when I see I try and forget all that I’ve seen
Why would anybody find me funny beyond 2023?
I don’t see
How you find me
Pretty

Gone
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

You’re gone,
But what of the showers?
What of the braille our fingers read on our skins?
What of the warmth of summer in our laughter pressed against our chins?
What of the soul lost in between our eyes?
What of the promise of comfort for the rest of our lives?
What of the person you used to turn only around me;
A gentle caress only I was allowed to see?
What of the memories I’m left to bear,
On lonely nights, remembering the scent of hairs?
What of the art I can no longer consume?
What of the music that used to be our tune?
What of all the things that were, and couldn’t be?
You’re gone,
And the showers aren’t as warm as they used to be.

Everyone, Everywhere
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

I recognise you in myself at the end of a long day
Or in some of the stupid things I say
They remind me of you
Even if we don’t want it to
You’ve made it clear we’re through

‘Twas always you

It’s not that I try my best to find her
But she’s there when I’m helping a friend with her eyeliner
It’s crazy how much of people we see in each other
I’m just tryina fill my world with a little colour
But they all hue the same

And then it starts
The past gnawing at the present, ripping it apart
Everyones a different tone of the same shade
Everyone has a sorrow they carry to their grave
The closer you get, the harder you slip away
The longer you linger, they stronger you wish they’d stayed
Some people don’t intend to hurt you;
It just happens all the same
Till they’re the first thought you remember for a name
But see in everyone, everywhere

What is a person, anyway?

Haunted by Dreams
(From “Everything, Always, Forever”)

I wake in cold sweat
I’m covered in debt
To myself
To my dreams
So they haunt me
In back alleys of memories
I can’t tell what’s real, & what’s infinity
Conversations never had
Things happy that turn sad
When you wake up
Having a drinking party at a club
With someone who isn’t there anymore
Saying “Thank You” for getting a cup
Of coffee from the comic book store
September 27th, 2023
The winds of hope running free
Crashing back to the earth
When woken up
With cold feet.