4268
marlo
@marlo #4268
conduit • marlo.art/links
537 Follower 324 Following
the magical thinking experiment i started in august is really kicking my ass
when you set an intention towards a new desire, you can get experiences in the opposite direction for awhile. old negative patterns need resolution before you can become a person aligned with your goals. it’s often mild and easy to deal with, but not always
for me, health has been the biggest challenge. i first ended up with migraines that lasted about a month. then while treating that, i came across a new path i could take toward healing my gut issues, which have been increasingly severe, but that path has been a huge test. along with other side effects, i’ve barely been able to move for weeks, and i’m feeling lost and disoriented in this liminal place
i know my goal now needs to be healing my body and resolving as much trauma and chronic stress as possible, but i have a hard time neglecting work for so long. i need to get my shit together though. learn how to be a functional human so i can reboot my career on solid ground
when you set an intention towards a new desire, you can get experiences in the opposite direction for awhile. old negative patterns need resolution before you can become a person aligned with your goals. it’s often mild and easy to deal with, but not always
for me, health has been the biggest challenge. i first ended up with migraines that lasted about a month. then while treating that, i came across a new path i could take toward healing my gut issues, which have been increasingly severe, but that path has been a huge test. along with other side effects, i’ve barely been able to move for weeks, and i’m feeling lost and disoriented in this liminal place
i know my goal now needs to be healing my body and resolving as much trauma and chronic stress as possible, but i have a hard time neglecting work for so long. i need to get my shit together though. learn how to be a functional human so i can reboot my career on solid ground
still alive, just on a temporary healing protocol which has been difficult and i’m feeling really bad. has to be done though, i need to stop being so sick and in pain all the time. i’m expecting to feel better than ever once i’m through to the other side
💛
💛
liz gilbert received a $200,000 advance to travel and write ‘eat, pray, love’
if you could get a book deal to fund an experience that you’d write about, what would you most want it to be?
maybe not original enough, but i think a year in isolation off-grid would be interesting. kind of like ‘walden’ but without my mom coming to bring me sandwiches and do my laundry
if you could get a book deal to fund an experience that you’d write about, what would you most want it to be?
maybe not original enough, but i think a year in isolation off-grid would be interesting. kind of like ‘walden’ but without my mom coming to bring me sandwiches and do my laundry
during my month of magical thinking i experienced some profound changes and benefits. here are the ones that stand out to me the most:
wow, one of my favourites from ‘with the light’ is available for .099! floor has been .99 for quite awhile
https://opensea.io/assets/ethereum/0x4019df7b53d80208fab4de6ced4f6e2f968b4411/80
https://opensea.io/assets/ethereum/0x4019df7b53d80208fab4de6ced4f6e2f968b4411/80
i dedicated a month to thinking only positive thoughts—did i succeed?
surprisingly, once i set this intention, my conscious thinking cooperated beautifully. it was very easy to stay positive almost all the time
there were a couple situations where it was more challenging, though:
surprisingly, once i set this intention, my conscious thinking cooperated beautifully. it was very easy to stay positive almost all the time
there were a couple situations where it was more challenging, though:
something i was thinking about today. healing is a gift for yourself and the entire universe simultaneously. there’s no telling how profound the impact will be
🦋
🦋
migraines have mostly calmed down. it’s interesting how much inflammation seems to affect mood. i feel much more depressed when my body feels angry, and it’s much more difficult to get out of it
anyway, here’s an update if anyone is interested in how my experiment is going!
https://x.com/marlo_here/status/1834384516972187880
anyway, here’s an update if anyone is interested in how my experiment is going!
https://x.com/marlo_here/status/1834384516972187880
migraines most days for the last couple weeks. will be back more once the light sensitivity calms down ✨
a month of magical thinking
day 31
i’m feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight for the experience of this month, and for the relief that i’m entering a much lighter phase in my life. i felt profoundly crushed under the weight of everything, most of the time, no matter how hard i worked or meditated or rested or anything else. i’m finally really feeling a deep sense of relief. and it’s just the beginning
because of the intensity of all the trauma release work i haven’t finished everything i wanted to do this month, so the experiment will continue on! i will share some summaries and learnings soon and will shift to less frequent but more substantial posts
there are more interesting things to share, but overall this experiment was one of the most valuable things i’ve ever done for myself. i don’t think anything will be the same from now on
day 31
i’m feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude tonight for the experience of this month, and for the relief that i’m entering a much lighter phase in my life. i felt profoundly crushed under the weight of everything, most of the time, no matter how hard i worked or meditated or rested or anything else. i’m finally really feeling a deep sense of relief. and it’s just the beginning
because of the intensity of all the trauma release work i haven’t finished everything i wanted to do this month, so the experiment will continue on! i will share some summaries and learnings soon and will shift to less frequent but more substantial posts
there are more interesting things to share, but overall this experiment was one of the most valuable things i’ve ever done for myself. i don’t think anything will be the same from now on
a month of magical thinking
day 30
the euphoria is returning, and the deep feeling of power and satisfaction from yesterday is still here. i feel like a piano with someone playing low c and high c together. can i add to this? how many notes at once? i clearly don’t know how feelings work. this seems like just the beginning of an exciting new adventure
tomorrow is the last official day of the experiment, but it wasn’t long enough. so much time and energy went to trauma healing that i didn’t get to do all the things i wanted, like trying some online courses. so the journey will continue, though perhaps not with daily posts
day 30
the euphoria is returning, and the deep feeling of power and satisfaction from yesterday is still here. i feel like a piano with someone playing low c and high c together. can i add to this? how many notes at once? i clearly don’t know how feelings work. this seems like just the beginning of an exciting new adventure
tomorrow is the last official day of the experiment, but it wasn’t long enough. so much time and energy went to trauma healing that i didn’t get to do all the things i wanted, like trying some online courses. so the journey will continue, though perhaps not with daily posts
a month of magical thinking
day 29
the euphoria has shifted into a more earthy and grounded state. i’m not even sure what i’d call it, but it feels powerful. i’m focusing on integrating this so it stays awhile. it easily fades away if i’m distracted. if i relax into it, it deepens and blooms
day 29
the euphoria has shifted into a more earthy and grounded state. i’m not even sure what i’d call it, but it feels powerful. i’m focusing on integrating this so it stays awhile. it easily fades away if i’m distracted. if i relax into it, it deepens and blooms
a month of magical thinking
day 28
this is the part where most people would probably give up
lots of shadow work and migraines are keeping things interesting this week
the best way out is through, however. i’ll keep accepting the challenges presented to me and transcending them
i wonder if most people would have it this hard
i’ve been helping @jameswyper go through a similar process and he’s having a much easier time, and seeing epic results in his art practice. i’m guessing most people would have an experience more like his
according to the a.c.e. study on adverse childhood experiences i’m in the top percent of trauma experiencers for having had so many different categories of traumatic events. i don’t want my unusually challenging experience on this journey to scare anyone off—few people would have this many things to address
in a way i’m excited to have so much to work on, though. i have an incredible life already. to think i could still see a massive improvement is amazing!
day 28
this is the part where most people would probably give up
lots of shadow work and migraines are keeping things interesting this week
the best way out is through, however. i’ll keep accepting the challenges presented to me and transcending them
i wonder if most people would have it this hard
i’ve been helping @jameswyper go through a similar process and he’s having a much easier time, and seeing epic results in his art practice. i’m guessing most people would have an experience more like his
according to the a.c.e. study on adverse childhood experiences i’m in the top percent of trauma experiencers for having had so many different categories of traumatic events. i don’t want my unusually challenging experience on this journey to scare anyone off—few people would have this many things to address
in a way i’m excited to have so much to work on, though. i have an incredible life already. to think i could still see a massive improvement is amazing!
a month of magical thinking
day 27
this has been a more difficult week of processing, but it helps to focus on embodying the new goal states of being as much as possible. this is technically the ultimate goal—the happier, more integrated, more aligned, more empowered self
it’s easier to be your ideal self while meditating and visualizing than while caught up in daily activities, so it takes focus and practice
also, once you experience yourself as this new, better-feeling person, it seems to feel especially bad to slip back into your old energy. it’s important to keep up with your expansion
day 27
this has been a more difficult week of processing, but it helps to focus on embodying the new goal states of being as much as possible. this is technically the ultimate goal—the happier, more integrated, more aligned, more empowered self
it’s easier to be your ideal self while meditating and visualizing than while caught up in daily activities, so it takes focus and practice
also, once you experience yourself as this new, better-feeling person, it seems to feel especially bad to slip back into your old energy. it’s important to keep up with your expansion
a month of magical thinking
day 26
the more i focus on the positive, the more i notice old negative beliefs and trauma responses as they surface. the more i heal those, the more positive i feel. the more positive i feel, the more i notice old negative beliefs and trauma responses. the pattern keeps repeating over and over and over. and it’s a lot of work!
part of me really wants to speed run this process so it can be over, but i know that is not recommended (and that it will never really be over) so i’m just working on everything that comes up naturally, and being thorough. it’s tempting to feel overwhelmed or discouraged with how much work is left to do, but it’s also easy to feel really proud and excited about the amount i’ve already accomplished instead. i can’t even explain what i’ve overcome to be where i am today, and honestly you probably don’t want to know
but now the light is spreading
the old me is burning away
day 26
the more i focus on the positive, the more i notice old negative beliefs and trauma responses as they surface. the more i heal those, the more positive i feel. the more positive i feel, the more i notice old negative beliefs and trauma responses. the pattern keeps repeating over and over and over. and it’s a lot of work!
part of me really wants to speed run this process so it can be over, but i know that is not recommended (and that it will never really be over) so i’m just working on everything that comes up naturally, and being thorough. it’s tempting to feel overwhelmed or discouraged with how much work is left to do, but it’s also easy to feel really proud and excited about the amount i’ve already accomplished instead. i can’t even explain what i’ve overcome to be where i am today, and honestly you probably don’t want to know
but now the light is spreading
the old me is burning away
a month of magical thinking
day 25
i woke up feeling so good today. it really is like being high on mushrooms or something. most normal activities bring me down a bit, but i’d like to change the way i do things so this doesn’t happen so much. i know i can do it, it’s just extra discipline and mindfulness
small meditation breaks also help if i notice myself focused on a task that doesn’t make me feel my best
i’m really proud of what i’ve accomplished this month so far, and the positive benefits keep piling on. i’ll share more about the concrete results at the end. it will be nice to look back and see how far i’ve come!
day 25
i woke up feeling so good today. it really is like being high on mushrooms or something. most normal activities bring me down a bit, but i’d like to change the way i do things so this doesn’t happen so much. i know i can do it, it’s just extra discipline and mindfulness
small meditation breaks also help if i notice myself focused on a task that doesn’t make me feel my best
i’m really proud of what i’ve accomplished this month so far, and the positive benefits keep piling on. i’ll share more about the concrete results at the end. it will be nice to look back and see how far i’ve come!
a month of magical thinking
day 24
negative emotions are fading away more and more. they are so weak and rare these days. if i notice myself moving toward one, which has been maybe once or twice a day, i can easily redirect my mind. simply stopping my thoughts is enough to float back into a happy and high state. it’s pretty interesting to feel only positive feelings 99% of the time!
all the meditation and other tools i’ve implemented over the years have prepared me perfectly for this moment. with a high degree of trauma interfering, they were never enough. it was a ton of work just to not feel horrible. but with a much lighter load of trauma they are incredibly powerful. it’s like i trained for a sport with a hundred pound weight on my back, and now that it’s gone i feel like i’m flying
i do think that the euphoria of releasing so much trauma could be a temporary high from finding so much relief in a short time, but i’m going to do all i can to keep going in a positive direction
day 24
negative emotions are fading away more and more. they are so weak and rare these days. if i notice myself moving toward one, which has been maybe once or twice a day, i can easily redirect my mind. simply stopping my thoughts is enough to float back into a happy and high state. it’s pretty interesting to feel only positive feelings 99% of the time!
all the meditation and other tools i’ve implemented over the years have prepared me perfectly for this moment. with a high degree of trauma interfering, they were never enough. it was a ton of work just to not feel horrible. but with a much lighter load of trauma they are incredibly powerful. it’s like i trained for a sport with a hundred pound weight on my back, and now that it’s gone i feel like i’m flying
i do think that the euphoria of releasing so much trauma could be a temporary high from finding so much relief in a short time, but i’m going to do all i can to keep going in a positive direction
a month of magical thinking
day 23
the upward spiral continues, and i’m feeling almost euphoric. the inspirations are getting stronger and bigger. i’m excited for each day and to see what comes next
day 23
the upward spiral continues, and i’m feeling almost euphoric. the inspirations are getting stronger and bigger. i’m excited for each day and to see what comes next
a month of magical thinking
day 22
my process currently looks like this:
🌸 wake up
🌸 meditate
then if i’m in a good mood:
🌸 amplify the good mood. maybe listen to a song i like or something just to get extra hyped
🌸 do the daily ritual
🌸 see what i feel most inspired to do, then do those things as much as i can for the rest of the day
if i’m in a bad mood:
🌸 emdr session
🌸 go outside and do something grounding
🌸 daily ritual once feeling better
🌸 inspired action
i’m usually in a really good mood, though, and the lighter i feel, the more clear the inspirations become. so far they’ve been kind of random (do a yard project, make dinner, learn a song on the trombone) but i think they’ll become more focused as i do
if i don’t feel well there’s no real inspiration, just an urge to deal with whatever is causing the stress or pain
i think i’ll keep this routine indefinitely. it has been amazing!
day 22
my process currently looks like this:
🌸 wake up
🌸 meditate
then if i’m in a good mood:
🌸 amplify the good mood. maybe listen to a song i like or something just to get extra hyped
🌸 do the daily ritual
🌸 see what i feel most inspired to do, then do those things as much as i can for the rest of the day
if i’m in a bad mood:
🌸 emdr session
🌸 go outside and do something grounding
🌸 daily ritual once feeling better
🌸 inspired action
i’m usually in a really good mood, though, and the lighter i feel, the more clear the inspirations become. so far they’ve been kind of random (do a yard project, make dinner, learn a song on the trombone) but i think they’ll become more focused as i do
if i don’t feel well there’s no real inspiration, just an urge to deal with whatever is causing the stress or pain
i think i’ll keep this routine indefinitely. it has been amazing!
when you face a bad-feeling situation there are two main ways to find relief:
1. change the situation
2. change your beliefs about the situation
with 1, the next time you experience the same type of scenario you’ll go through the same bad feelings again. you rob yourself of an opportunity for growth and transformation
with 2, you become a new person, with a new perspective, and can then address the situation from a higher level of consciousness. at this point, it often doesn’t need to be addressed at all, however
sometimes there’s no time to choose and you must exert force to remedy the situation. that’s okay. you can still address your beliefs afterwards if needed
i find that anxiety in particular creates a huge temptation to use force and avoid learning the required lesson. this month i’ve been extra disciplined about this though, and the rewards have been great. instead of acting on anxieties, which only really perpetuates them, i pause and overcome them (i’m mainly using emdr for this)
1. change the situation
2. change your beliefs about the situation
with 1, the next time you experience the same type of scenario you’ll go through the same bad feelings again. you rob yourself of an opportunity for growth and transformation
with 2, you become a new person, with a new perspective, and can then address the situation from a higher level of consciousness. at this point, it often doesn’t need to be addressed at all, however
sometimes there’s no time to choose and you must exert force to remedy the situation. that’s okay. you can still address your beliefs afterwards if needed
i find that anxiety in particular creates a huge temptation to use force and avoid learning the required lesson. this month i’ve been extra disciplined about this though, and the rewards have been great. instead of acting on anxieties, which only really perpetuates them, i pause and overcome them (i’m mainly using emdr for this)
a month of magical thinking
day 21
i was feeling unwell physically for much of the last week, and my energy levels and mood dipped. things have now improved all around though, and the slightly manic feeling has returned. i think non-depressed people might just call this “alive”?! i’ve likely spent most of my life in functional freeze, so this could just be a release from that
anyway, i’m curious to see how easy it will be to maintain at least this level of enthusiasm and happiness long term. if this could be my new baseline that would be amazing!
i’m noticing that the more trauma i clear, the more things shift from ‘i feel crappy and intense effort is needed to make myself slightly happy’ to ‘i feel good and it takes effort to make myself unhappy’
finding joy is the essential goal of this experiment, and i think it’s actually happening. as someone who has felt broken and depressed since earliest memory this is a huge accomplishment. anything good that comes after that is a bonus
day 21
i was feeling unwell physically for much of the last week, and my energy levels and mood dipped. things have now improved all around though, and the slightly manic feeling has returned. i think non-depressed people might just call this “alive”?! i’ve likely spent most of my life in functional freeze, so this could just be a release from that
anyway, i’m curious to see how easy it will be to maintain at least this level of enthusiasm and happiness long term. if this could be my new baseline that would be amazing!
i’m noticing that the more trauma i clear, the more things shift from ‘i feel crappy and intense effort is needed to make myself slightly happy’ to ‘i feel good and it takes effort to make myself unhappy’
finding joy is the essential goal of this experiment, and i think it’s actually happening. as someone who has felt broken and depressed since earliest memory this is a huge accomplishment. anything good that comes after that is a bonus
a month of magical thinking
day 20
there are too many things i enjoy that i’ve neglected because they aren’t practical, or because they feel like a distraction from my work. but i know how ridiculous that is. life needs balance. and fun
it almost feels taboo to talk about having fun as a self-employed artist. i’m supposed to live and breathe art alone, otherwise i’m not a serious artist, right? well, i’m breaking this one
it’s time to bring back play. i’m not sure this joy thing will be very achievable without it
day 20
there are too many things i enjoy that i’ve neglected because they aren’t practical, or because they feel like a distraction from my work. but i know how ridiculous that is. life needs balance. and fun
it almost feels taboo to talk about having fun as a self-employed artist. i’m supposed to live and breathe art alone, otherwise i’m not a serious artist, right? well, i’m breaking this one
it’s time to bring back play. i’m not sure this joy thing will be very achievable without it
a month of magical thinking
day 19
every time i find a higher new state of being, old incompatible patterns come up to be released. today was challenging, but as always i did some emdr to work it out
if you want to be the person who has your ideal life, you have to let your old self die. your old self is the one who created your current life. if you want to hang on to that person you will only get more of the same
doing the same rituals daily seems like it would be too repetitive or redundant, but every day they bring new insights. working through this process has been way more work than i thought it would be, but it’s likely just what i needed
day 19
every time i find a higher new state of being, old incompatible patterns come up to be released. today was challenging, but as always i did some emdr to work it out
if you want to be the person who has your ideal life, you have to let your old self die. your old self is the one who created your current life. if you want to hang on to that person you will only get more of the same
doing the same rituals daily seems like it would be too repetitive or redundant, but every day they bring new insights. working through this process has been way more work than i thought it would be, but it’s likely just what i needed
a month of magical thinking
day 18
i got the thunderbolt card yesterday, and last night we had the most intense thunderstorm i’ve experienced outside of the prairies. there were lightning strikes so close that the shockwaves rocked the house. it felt like bombs were going off around us
i tried to watch the lightning but all i could see was blinding white light everywhere. what a wild night
today i was a bit tired from the sleep interruption and a long emdr session, but it was still an amazing day overall
every time i start to feel annoyed i do an emdr session about it, and it always connects back to some early trauma. i didn’t expect that, but it makes sense
as much as it’s challenging to have so much trauma to work through, the fact that i’m able to do so much transformation is very exciting. massive internal changes must be reflected in massive external change
the thunderbolt card is about a major dismantling to make space for something new. i’m ready to see what’s next
🔥⚡️🔥
day 18
i got the thunderbolt card yesterday, and last night we had the most intense thunderstorm i’ve experienced outside of the prairies. there were lightning strikes so close that the shockwaves rocked the house. it felt like bombs were going off around us
i tried to watch the lightning but all i could see was blinding white light everywhere. what a wild night
today i was a bit tired from the sleep interruption and a long emdr session, but it was still an amazing day overall
every time i start to feel annoyed i do an emdr session about it, and it always connects back to some early trauma. i didn’t expect that, but it makes sense
as much as it’s challenging to have so much trauma to work through, the fact that i’m able to do so much transformation is very exciting. massive internal changes must be reflected in massive external change
the thunderbolt card is about a major dismantling to make space for something new. i’m ready to see what’s next
🔥⚡️🔥
a month of magical thinking
day 17
how much of an exquisitely joyful life comes down to habits? and how much of those are just habits of thought?
the mind is powerful. your thoughts and beliefs are the basis of everything you feel, perceive, and do. and you can’t feel negatively without first having a negative belief, so what would the implications be of someone choosing to be unconditionally positive?
some circumstances are challenging to think and feel positively about, but most life experience is mundane enough for us to choose, if only we had a bit of discipline. the rest can usually be used in a positive way later, even if they seem bad at the time
and for the things that can’t, there’s at least neutrality
since i don’t like to do things halfway, my aim is to see how insanely, ridiculously, positive i can think about everything in my life (and what that does)
there’s a good chance it will be annoying to some, but i’m willing to make these sacrifices for science 🤓
day 17
how much of an exquisitely joyful life comes down to habits? and how much of those are just habits of thought?
the mind is powerful. your thoughts and beliefs are the basis of everything you feel, perceive, and do. and you can’t feel negatively without first having a negative belief, so what would the implications be of someone choosing to be unconditionally positive?
some circumstances are challenging to think and feel positively about, but most life experience is mundane enough for us to choose, if only we had a bit of discipline. the rest can usually be used in a positive way later, even if they seem bad at the time
and for the things that can’t, there’s at least neutrality
since i don’t like to do things halfway, my aim is to see how insanely, ridiculously, positive i can think about everything in my life (and what that does)
there’s a good chance it will be annoying to some, but i’m willing to make these sacrifices for science 🤓